I have been meditating a lot on age, time, and regret – three things that I think inevitably go hand in hand. One of the biggest causes of this thinking is the addition to our family of Cooper. We will never again be a family of 6 – but I guess that changed when Kat married Steve, anyway. We are now 8 and it is becoming increasingly difficult to remember how we were ever that happy without everyone. Being around Cooper makes me know that things are changing, and that if change comes in the form of something that sweet and pure, that it can’t all be bad.
I have to picture this new family portrait as the big F word – my future – is brought up again and again. Not a day goes by that I don’t worry – about the job market, the economy, student loans, what to do after May. My life’s calendar just seems to sort of trail off after graduation. Shouldn’t that be the beginning, not the end? Isn’t this what I’ve worked so hard for all of these years… a job, a career, a life ahead of me? Why does it all suddenly seem so unattainable?
This “future” talk all relates back to age, time, and regret. I will be 22 when I graduate – so young in the grand scheme of things, but I feel so much older. I don’t want to feel that old. I want to be reminded on a daily basis that my life is stretched out in front of me, and that this isn’t it. It can’t be.
Regret is a big worry for me. I don’t want to look back and wonder, “what was I thinking?” We all think that about something - I wish I’d studied more, I wish I’d partied more, I wish I’d thought more about this or that. Europe was incredible, don’t get me wrong. (That isn’t a non-sequiter, don’t be fooled). I spent all of this time planning and visualizing and hoping and although it was great, to be sure, it wasn’t what I’d hoped for, and that part was my fault. I didn’t make it happen. We were all told to go with no regrets, and I do have some that I will never be able to rectify. I don’t want to just spend every day with the bare minimum of living happening. I want to make happen what I know I deserve. But how does anyone go about changing their life in a big way? What’s that first crucial step? In a run, the hardest mile is the first one. How do I push myself through that first 5,280 feet?
Sometimes, I wonder if all of these thoughts are unique in any capacity. Surely everyone of my generation is worried about these things, too. Makes me wonder why I feel so alone in this sometimes.
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Maybe everyone else is just afraid to admit it. Either to themselves or to others. Things aren't so scary when you don't acknowledge them. Name them. People can live with unidentified fear in the back of their minds for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI think regret, or lack of, is crucial, you're right. We have to make an effort to live without regret. To make choices that maybe aren't always for the best, but eventually make sense.
Talk to someone who is just as excited about the changes you want as you are. Find people with your vision. Don't settle for no. The first step isn't the most difficult, really. It's just the scariest. Letting yourself think outside what you thought you could do, or the expectations others have of you, that's scary as hell. But some times, you need to do it. For no one but yourself.
Don't at 22, get caught up in the day-to-day. Don't let it happen.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I've had to do a lot of thinking along the same lines this summer. It all works out. Maybe in ways you never thought possible.
Regret is only if you let it be....
ReplyDeleteHere is some sage advice from your older (and wiser) sister: don't worry about the future - just let it be. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Although thinking about the future is great, don't let it overwhelm you. We only have so much time here; turn that frown upside down, live it up and smile. :) Love you!
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